A dress rehearsal bloopers reel

Put the pedal to the metal!

With the accelerator pressed against the floorboard, I revved up the six-cylinder engine to a deafening roar before popping the clutch and burning rubber as my mode of transportation shot across the designated course like a misguided torpedo until it exploded into a great ball of fire after smashing directly into a concrete barricade.

For all intents and purposes, I could’ve easily been whipping around the racetrack at the Daytona International Speedway at a high rate of speed prior to spinning out of control following a minor collusion with another supped up stock car that ended my relatively short career as a road raging speedster.

What a gnarly ride that would’ve been!

Although you’ve probably figured out by now that I’m not a famous NASCAR driver like Mario Andretti, I certainly felt like the speed demon when my boon companions pushed me across the theater stage on a dessert cart at full speed before crashing into a brick wall during one of our many dress rehearsals for the senior class musical – Hello, Dolly!

If I’d known that contraption didn’t have any brakes, I would’ve told them to slow down before impact.

Ouch!

After shaking the cobwebs from my head, I picked myself up off the floor and walked away from that near catastrophe with all my body parts still intact.

“Dude, that was totally righteous,” exclaimed Robert ‘Robbie’ Brough grinning from ear to ear as he helped brush the dust from my faded blue jeans. “If all the other cast members held their positions, it would’ve been like playing Bowling for Dollars; and then we could’ve made a strike before you went down in flames.”

“I have an even better scenario,” suggested Robert ‘Mags’ Magnifico with a twinkle in his eye after coming up with a slight variation for our next practice run. “Mark would’ve sailed right through the make-up room if we had positioned the dessert cart just a little further to the right; so, that way he could’ve put on his costume and greasepaint in one fell swoop.”

“Hardy har har,” I quipped shaking my head before voicing my vehement displeasure for their Abbott and Costello comedy routine. “I’m just glad you two clowns won’t be the ones pushing me around on that dessert cart during the show; otherwise, they’d have to change the name of the musical to ‘Harmonia Gardens Circus Side Show.’”

When Miss Cynthia Pertile – musical director and choir teacher – first approached me about the dessert cart idea, I was a little skittish about adding the signature twist to the popular musical just to give this high school senior a larger part in the theatrical production.

Due to a mild case of cerebral palsy, I was concerned about taking an unexpected tumble while participating in one of the musical numbers and having my pride wounded in the process.

For this reason, the veteran educator placed me on the back row of dancing waiters in the unfortunate event that I would have a crash landing during the Harmonia Gardens scene.

“This way you’ll have the best of both worlds,” reasoned the ardent patron of the arts flashing her pearly whites while convincing me to take the bait. “Since you won’t be in the first row of waiters, this will give you a unique opportunity to be featured as a high school senior; and you won’t even have to worry about falling down.”

Since I’m such a ham anyway, it didn’t take long for me to warm up to the idea. Although, it did sound like something that was cooked up by those two football bruisers who enjoyed practicing for my big moment in the sun just a little bit too much.

With the side show antics put on the back burner until the end of dress rehearsal, the Harmonia Gardens wait staff began working on the complicated choreography for the “Waiter’s Gallop” – two separate arrangements, one more difficult than the other – with Gemma Fotia and Sonia Berezniak as they quickly demonstrated each movement with accurate precision.

Shortly after completing the visual tutorial with the would-be professionals, they led us through the motions as our little dance troupe started gliding across the stage to the beat of the music.

However, my equilibrium was knocked out of whack when the tips of my fingers made contact with Aaron Hetrick going into the pirouette which caused both of us to spin out of control as the concerned sophomore attempted to keep me from hitting the floor like a marionette puppet; thereby sending us both into a chair at a nearby table setting with me landing directly in his lap.

Table for two, anyone!

“That was a close call,” gasped the black-haired young man breathing a sigh of relief when he realized I was unharmed in the unfortunate incident. “When you started going into a terrifying tailspin, I thought you were going to fly right off the stage; so, I had to do whatever it took to make sure that you had a soft landing.”

You’re my guardian angel!

Following the aerobic workout with our choreographer gurus, we were given a fifteen-minute break before doing a quick walk-through with the last two scenes from the second act.

While sitting on the edge of the stage apron with my intimate friends going over dialogue together, my stomach began to churn as a queasy feeling hit me like a ton of bricks which sent me running to the side exit at the front of the cavernous auditorium.

Upon tossing up my cookies on the cement steps outside the door, Mags informed our fearless leader that he was heading out to make sure I arrived at home safely.

Not only did my close confidant drop me off at the front door, but he also walked me upstairs to my family’s second-floor apartment while I was slumped over his shoulder.

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown!